Drama Queen.

Dressed up all ready for the show but deep inside you still feel so naked.
sitting all alone waiting for your name to be called, just another parade.
Slowly your heart races through, holding back those fears you tremble inside.
How long is this gonna last?how many hours more left for you to rise or fall?
Every second of time peirces you through, every hour you kill yourself.
You smile and walk through the halls, no they cant hear your heart!
you tell yourself your going to be strong, your not going to trip,
everything will be Okay, everything will be okay.
Everyone stares at you, you've gotta stay poised.
Remember you are a drama queen

Mercy!!

I am feeble and utterly crushed,
my heart groans in deep anguish,
my strength is failing, Lord i need u.
Help me overcome these trials, let your will be done.
People are speaking false, deir tongues speaks the untruth,
i dont know what feeling i should be feeling anymore.

the voice within

You can't sleep
Pieces missing everywhere
A restless body cracks over.
Too many voices, cant seem to hie yesterday.
Like the highway that never stops bending,
your all twisted in turns with fate.
And you seek warmth,you yearn for a smile
thats when you begin to wonder
who are my real friends?
Where are you left and where have they gone?
Have they all got the bends??
You break another mirror, another glass,
this time there aint no cuts or blood stains,
The words are coming out all weird
You know you're turning into something you are not,
And You ask yourself "Am I really sinking this low?"
I might be wrong, i might be right,
But never look back though i wont swear,
i saw a light coming over you.

Im a Default

These are the things she never say,
these are things she hide it everyday.
These are the days when she wish she was the one,
God took away instead of you.
These are the days she realize what a default she is.

Unspoken words killing her inside,
feelings she want to feel but cant express.
Trying so hard to be someone you want her to be,
but she fail so much, she is more then imperfect.
These are the moments she realizes she is a default.

The girl with the smile plastered on the face,
the emptiness all building her up, loneliness she never tell.
oh! what a tragedy she is.
Oh! what a default God has beautifully created.
Oh! pity the poor soul, the deafult she has turned out to be.
I am a default.

"I can do all things through Christ who Strengthens me- Philippians 4:13"s

Somedays you would have come to the end of yourself emotionally,
try to make yourself feel better by making worldly materials your main priority.
all those temptations and sins giving you just a momentary happiness,
and when the sun sets you find yourself jaded again, back to your four walls.
This life is as dangerous as it is as blessed and as exciting as it may seem.
Things that make you so happy, things that you focus on so much,
can change and make you feel so alone, so lost and so confused!
You may have many friends but there are somedays when you feel you are all alone,
you have people who love you sincerely but you still feel unloved and uncared.
you have a hurt but no one wants to listen to you,
and thats where you come to the point of not wanting to go ahead anymore!
But remember there is always this one person whose watching over you,
that one person who can give you an everlasting happiness,
that one stranger whose always sitting beside you when you think your all alone,
that one friend who never forgets to pray for you everytime you shed a tear,
that one lover who gave his life to save your soul,
the only one, our only Jesus Christ!
Jesus always loves and cares for you even if you have rejected Him.
will never leave you and always be there to listen to you your whole life.
He loves you no matter what you have done,
What He offers isn't a feeling thats going to come and goes,
his love for you is eternal, an Agape Love!
And somedays you may choose to ignore the love Jesus offers,
but No matter who you are, and what you do, He will never give up on you!
All that hurt you feel or the pain you go through,Jesus has felt the same too.
Maybe not in the same way we have but He has felt hurt greater than ours.
Jesus was so scared when he knew of what was going to happen to him,
he was mocked and hurt, stripped and nailed up on that cross,
But he sacrificed, laying down his life, all just for us, for you and me.
Sometimes your prayers may not be answered,the way you prayed for,
but that doesn't mean he doesn't care for you anymore,
but, He gave it to you because thats what you needed even if you think you don't,
Jesus knows whats laid for you tomorrow and he wants to make it the best for you.
Then you will realize the through love of Christ for you.
For people who believe in him you may wonder sometimes,
how a believer could feel so alone and forsaken,
but being a child of God can intensify your desperation.
The skies of adverity may not clear immediately,but have Faith,
His grace will sustain you,for a christian,wholeness always comes after brokenness.
And for those who have not accepted him yet into you life,
Jesus is always waiting for you, calling out for your name,
only if you would give him a chance and taste the life of being his child.
The best things that come to us are by letting God have his way,
all the tests and trials are ways of God showing his undying love for you.
Im saved and im a believer but i still err like everyone else,
but everyday i try to make myself grow as a better child of God.
I ain't writing this to sound like or trying to be holy and pure christian,
I am not! But just because Jesus Loves me, i want you to feel that love too!
I hope that if anyone is going through anything hardships and struggles,
or lost and confused of not knowing what to do next,be helped by this.
And im sorry if i have offended anyone through my words,
i didn't mean anything to hurt you, but just wanted to share this few thoughts,
as your christian friend.
I pray and i hope this would help, even if its just one person,it will be worth it.
Thank you so much for reading this!
Have faith, hope, pray and live!
Your always Loved.
God Bless you :)

Dear God....

I don't know and i don't care how long it takes, just one change of a heart, thats all!!
im waiting and will wait for your reply.
always and faithfully your child,
me!

Who i am!

Nothing to confess, just this load too heavy to bear,
Try to trace her life out in this puzzled square world.
She hides, she runs, who has to know what she's trying to deny,
Holding everything inside, everyone thinks she has it all.

Voice of regrets in her head, trying to be more than fine,
all these pretence keeps reminding of a lost girl she's turned out to be.
Nobody knows this child, nobody knows how much she hurts but just the one above,
In the end it'll all be over, he has promised.

Im a stranger in this world,a lonely planet deep inside,
sunny i may happen to shine in your eyes,don't mean i don't rain.
My secrets are so dark, its tough somedays to carry on,
But just because of one reason, i try to stay as strong as i can,
be a warrior in this big small world, be the light in your life,
Because of my big man above who gave his life for me,
and now this is my gratefulness for everything he has made me to be,
i will be a lonely soul survivor!

"Love is not a Fight" - Warren Barfield

Love is not a place
To come and go as we please
It's a house we enter in
And then commit to never leave
So lock the door behind you
Throw away the key
We'll work it out together
Let it bring us to our knees

Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
If we try to leave may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for

To some, love is a word that they can fall into
But when they're falling out
Keeping that word is hard to do

Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
If we try to leave may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for

Love will come to save us, if we'll only call
He will ask nothing from us, but demand we give our all

Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
If we try to leave may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for

I would fight for you, would you fight for me?
It's worth fighting for.

You

Here on the stage
I'm all alone against the crowd?
Well I'm talking to you
And I'm trying to say is that
Sometimes everything gets so confusing
but still beneath this cloud of confusion,
i still find myself,
I still find the truth
and i found the
Answer with you!

Rain - Patty Griffin

It's hard to listen to a hard hard heart
Beating close to mine
Pounding up against the stone and steel
Walls that I won't climb
Sometimes a hurt is so deep deep deep
You think that you're gonna drown
Sometimes all I can do is weep weep weep
With all this rain falling down

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm holding on underneath this shroud
Rain

Its hard to know when to give up the fight
Two things you want will just never be right
Its never rained like it has to night before
Now I don't wanna beg you baby
For something maybe you could never give
I'm not looking for the rest of your life
I just want another chance to live

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm holding on underneath this shroud
Rain

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm holding on underneath this shroud
Rain

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm still alive underneath this shroud
Rain Rain Rain

Blame it on the changes

Its like one of those bad dreams, when you wanna wake up but you can't,
all the doubts filling up your head are jumping inside out,
Oh! dont be so scared, get up and learn to be brave,
These are the moments of truth,
you can blame it on the changes.

You feel the pain, like someone just pushed you down the stairs,
Dont pretend like it dont hurt at all, let the crystals flow,
Oh! its just not you alone, everybody hurts,
these are the moments of truth,
you can blame it on the changes.

The quiet scares you, because it only screams the truth,
you try to get yourself lost in the loud company,but,
Oh! you can still hear yourself cry,
these are the moments of truth,
you can blame it on the changes.

I don't mind at all, what you do and say or to whom you run to,
these hate and love they come and go, i know,
but oh! dont pretend if these fire aint burning anymore,
these are the moments of truth,
and i will it blame it on the changes.

See you Soon - Coldplay

So you lost your trust
& you never should have
No you never should have
But don't break your back if you ever see this
But don't answer that
In a bullet-prove vest
With the windows all closed
I'll be doing my best
& I'll see you soon
In a telescope lens
& when all you want is friends
I'll see you soon

So they came for you
They come snapping at your heels
They come snapping at your heels
But don't break your back if you ever heard this
But don't answer that
Cause in a bullet-prove vest
With the windows all closed
I'll be doing my best
& I'll see you soon
In a telescope lens
& when all you want is friends
I'll see you soon

Noo you lost your trust
Noo you lost your trust
Noo don't lose your trust
Noo don't lose your trust

"Losing the Found"

Sun dawn on her as she sleeps in the comfort of the broken clock,
dreaming of that morning if ever time would stop slipping by.
its harder than she ever feared ,days like these would be.
because something is starting to fade,something she thought she had,
maybe she is beginning to lose what she has found.

Twisted lies seems to be the world around her,
She can't give what they're asking for,no her faith would not.
She doesn't want to lose, that was her best gift from above,
and all her heart she gave it all, wrapped inside that gift,
but someone is taking it away, she's beginning to lose it!

Maybe im to blame, maybe life is to blame or maybe we are both to blame.
oh what a shame!oh what hurt this little heart of mine feels,
im not strong like before,like i was, when i came to find you.
because deep inside of me im beginning to lose what i found,
maybe deep inside of me im beginning to lose you.

Dear God, HElp me!

There are these problems, i dont know if i should call them problems, but these very worries that are keeping my soul so restless, God please give my soul a peace. Im scared of the day that is to start,of the week that has just begun, i need you God, i really need you. I can't sleep, these many thoughts wont leave me and i know nothing else but that only you can help me. Please give me the courage and the power of wisdom to sort things out. Please Lord, please.
I love you with all my heart,
your child forever,
me- in need of you.

Hurtings!

This feeling, this funny feeling, no you dont want to feel this feeling,
makes you want to cry, makes you want to blame your own foolish heart.
Everything you think you did seems to be coming undone,
and it breaks you heart, gets you so down that you cant find your escape.
Your moment suddenly seems so far, but you're too in love to let it go,
you knew these days would happen.
This hurt, this hurt, this little heart of mine hurts,
im trying to find myself with something that would make it feel better,
oh you should have never have been so naive.
Just like everyone else you've hit me, are you happy now?
i dont know where im suppose to go, feels like you and i never happened!

walled

Dear God,
i miss you! =(
They dont understand me,they dont wanna sit and listen to my heart but instead they blame me. Is this how my life is suppose to be?? Can't i too have a little love and encouragement?? am i that bad that i dont deserve any??
im blamed for the things i dont understand the reason myself,im made the blacksheep of the family, im made to walk all alone in this big world I feel alone Lord. Sometimes i wish it was me and not my brother you should have chosen=(!!!
broken and lonely,
me!

April 2, 2000

Dear God,

Its been ten years 10 years today since you took away my brother, away from me and my family. I know he’s very happy out there and im happy for him too that he’s better off leaving this insane world. But God, u know what….there are sometimes when i miss him so much, like these very days and i wish you wouldnt have taken him away so soon. He was just sixteen Lord, just sixteen!

You knew he was the closest i had, we were growing up together, dreaming of the big small world to see, but you snatched him away from me…too soon Lord :(!

There are days when i wish i had someone i could run to, someone who would understand me, to open my hurting heart but i realize i got no one. He was all i had. Everyone is so cruel here, all they want is their bits but no one wants to sit and listen to me. My brother would have! My brother would have hugged me,my brother would have believed in me, my brother would have sat with me and not laugh when i cry, my brother would have known the reason when i get sad, my brother would have known my heart behind these smiles. My brother would, he would have known only if he was still here with me today.

Oh Lord, im not blaming you for stealing him away, i just wish you had given me some more years. There’s not a day i pass without remembering him, everyday i miss him. In all the things i do, i wish i could tell it to him, i knew i would have got that same expression that he used to make at me or would it be different today?

Aw God, sometimes i really get jealous when my friends talk about their brothers and their relationship with them. Ive got two lovely brothers u have blessed me with now, i do love them with all my heart but Lord things arent the same:(. Were you jealous of me that i was having the best??:(

It was so sudden the way you took him away. You didnt even give me the chance to say goodbye,why God? were you afraid that i wouldnt have let him go? that wasnt fair! Because not being able to say goodbye is making it more harder for me everyday, the regret and “i wish” never ends!

Can you tell him that i miss him today like i miss him everyday? He was the BEST,Lord.You like having the Best, now you have my best there with you and i got none. Im jealous of you today because you give and u can take.

Take good care of him Lord, keep him safe untill i get there. Im eagerly waiting for the day when ill get him back….i dont care even if you dont give him back to me….im going to stay back with him and you can keep me too:)

Missing my Brother to bits:(!

me

water in the bottle :D

Dear God,
Happy easter week:)!
last week had been really good to me. i had a wonderful trip, u kept me in safe hands and well in between something little went wrong, some hours of heartbrokeness but you solved it all so THANK YOU:D!!!
I want to say thank u today for all de blessings in my life. My family and relatives, my grandma , my friends, my life and Daryl! Thank you Jesus, ure de awesomest of all!
i miss home at the moment i wish i could spend this holy week with my family, but anyways yeah, keep them in safe hands:)!
I love Jesus evry single day.....i love you so much! Im so proud to be your child
and i will always lift your name on high!
You rock!
I love you,
me :)

When all is said and done - ABBA

Heres to us one more toast and then well pay the bill
Deep inside both of us can feel the autumn chill
Birds of passage, you and me
We fly instinctively
When the summers over and the dark clouds hide the sun
Neither you nor Im to blame when all is said and done

In our lives we have walked some strange and lonely treks
Slightly worn but dignified and not too old for sex
Were still striving for the sky
No taste for humble pie
Thanks for all your generous love and thanks for all the fun
Neither you nor Im to blame when all is said and done

Its so strange when you're down and lying on the floor
How you rise, shake your head, get up and ask for more
Clear-headed and open-eyed
With nothing left untried
Standing calmly at the crossroads,no desire to run
There's no hurry any more when all is said and done

Standing calmly at the crossroads,no desire to run
There's no hurry any more when all is said and done

Random 1

Spring exams are over.....and tomorrow we're all leaving for our spring internship for two weeks to Gujurat and the other parts of India! Looking forward but half of me aint much excited anymore like i was the last few weeks. Something's totally wrong with me for the last two weeks ive been feeling pretty unusually low and its such a bad feeling.
Everything's going very normal,im doing alright but my heart just dont feel alright. I got many people around me...people who love me, but deep inside i still feel alone. I can't open up myself to anyone, i try but i just cant seem to... my words get choked inside. Ive been let down by people i never thought would do that, been compared to others whom i cant be, never been appreciated of what i have or what i can do. And still being a girl growing up and trying to live in this world, its hard for me to get ahead when all these thoughts keep knocking on me!! Sometimes i wish they would accept me for who iam, for what im doing and for what im going to be!
All i need is for someone to sit with me and tell me they're here to listen to me, to encourage me atleast for once in my life! I need someone!! its always the same...everynight its just me talkin to God. i wish i had someone here literally to listen to me and not walk away! Everybody wants something out of me....but nobody seems to be there when i need somebody. I have to fake my laughter and my smiles... pretend evrything is super Fine even though nothings really super fine. i hate pretence. They lie to me, they think ill never know but im not a fool...its just not easy when people we love lie and hid the truth from us. That is what i get!
Maybe ill never be good enough for anyone, maybe im just the wrong kind of person for them, maybe ill just be like this forever....Lord will i really olways be like this...lonely???
how i really wish i had someone!God Knows how much i wish i had someone! jesus i need help:(
:(
:(

Out of the Rolling ocean, the crowd - Walt Whitman

Out of the rolling ocean, the crowd, came a drop gently to me,
Whispering, I love you, before long I die,
I have travel’d a long way, merely to look on you, to touch you,
For I could not die till I once look’d on you,
For I fear’d I might afterward lose you.

Now we have met, we have look’d, we are safe;
Return in peace to the ocean, my love;
I too am part of that ocean, my love—we are not so much separated;
Behold the great rondure—the cohesion of all, how perfect!
But as for me, for you, the irresistible sea is to separate us,
As for an hour, carrying us diverse—yet cannot carry us diverse for ever;
Be not impatient—a little space—Know you, I salute the air, the ocean and the
land,
Every day, at sundown, for your dear sake, my love.


Until I see your face, I will miss you.

Dear God,

How are you today?
im doing pretty ok but not very good, and i know you already know why. Lately the days have been quite tough for me, and i really need you to stay close with me, more than you have,all the other days.
There are these moments when loneliness creeps in me, like the way i feel now, my heart touches the bottom and i feel more than hopeless. Everybody expects from me more than what i can give, how can i Lord??. And that's where i let them down and im blamed for all the things i never did.
There are times when i thought i have someone i could lean on,but its when i realize they're never there and im left all alone to ponder on my fractures. That's when 'Trust' seems to me to be a very far cry word!
Everyone thinks i have it all because,i smile and laugh even at my hardest point, but they dont know that im just trying to make myself feel better, bottle up inside is my saddest heart,but how long,it gets so hard! Im afraid to let someone see my saddest state,i have no one to talk to but only you. You know me and you knew me even before i was born,ever since i was in my mothers womb.
You brought me all along this way,and you made me see the bitter truth of life which many friends of my age havent yet stepped on it. And i thank you for it, beause today i have you as my best friend for without those days, my life today would have been so empty without you.
Lord, im sorry if i had missed out on you, maybe this is the price im paying for. But can you forgive me and stay with me,sit with me and talk to me. Because im lost Lord, and i feel like giving in, but i still hold on because of you. Because i know you still love me and you'll never forsake me, dear God.
I love you so much,all my life i owe to you,
Always and forever your child,
Hugs, me!

Nobody Knows.

Just when you start the end begins,and you pray it won't be too soon,
You say your alright,this is just a dream and you'll wake up someday,
Nobody knows how u feel,nobody knows where your secret place is?
nobody knows where you hide your saddest heart.
You write pages of words, word after every word,
that's the only way you can speak your thoughts hidden inside,
those unspoken words,rain of love,hurt and miracles all into one.
Nobody knows how you feel,nobody know where you run to?
Nobody knows where you hide your saddest heart.
One day i will wake from this grey life dreams,
i don't mind if im sounding weird,this is the only way i can be,
Noobody knows how i feel,nobody knows where my secret place is?
nobody knows where i hide my saddest heart.

Days like this

My momma always told me " There'll be days like this "

Bruises

Trust breaks

Trust Betrays

Trust Disappoints

Trust but how long can you hold on? how long do you want to get broken, you give in everything but all you get is a broken heart and lost days! One more time u said, just one more time and here you are again....back to this same old story again!!

Trust hurts!

Trust pains!

Trust Fails

Happy 26th!!!

Happy Birthday amu:).

Can't believe you've turned 26 today....you would have been a big man today - my brother who bullied me a "big man" :D!! Been so many years now since we last celebrated your birthday together. I remember the last was when you turned 16, i was more excited than you haha. Who knew that, that would be your last birthday with us. I still have the cards that our cousins gave you, you couldn't take them with you. Sixteen years you had, and i was lucky to have spent twelve years with you, how selfish God was,he didnt let me have you for more than that :(!

Your birthday reminds me of our days, our beautiful life we had in the sunshine. I miss them so much every bit of it, nobody knows how much i miss you:( ! i wonder how you would have looked today,all grown up. I know you would have been so handsome, your ever wicked smile that made all the girls go "ooh" for you back in school days, wonder how much effect that smile would have cost now haha. And i think you would have been the tallest in our family, and maybe you would be matured enough to not bully me anymore:)!

We miss you everyday!! Daddy dosen't tell but we all know how much he misses you. He always clears up your old trunk and keep your clothes folded and neat, if only you could come back. Mommy misses you soooo muchhh, you know how mommy is, you shouldn't have left so soon. She even cried today because its your birthday but you arent here with us. Only the good Lord knows this heartache. Big brother's so lonely without you,his bestfriend and his brother.

Life seems so unfair sometimes, empty spaces of you fill our hearts....where did you go? wish i could speak to you, have a talk and maybe laugh at our silly life. Our memories now locked in my heart, i open to see them to be sure that i haven't lost it, ive lost you and this is all i have of you. As i sit here on the rooftop and write to you, i know you're watching over me, but i can't see you nor can i speak to you, life's so cruel!

I guess this is all i have to write to you today, have a beautiful Birthday with everyone up there, but know that im thinking of you. I can't wait for the day when ill be there with you...i know it aint very long from now.

My regards to grandpa, uncle and my cousin brothers....tell them i miss them too always and they're always in my heart.

I miss you so much amu.....i love you.

your sister forever,

me:)