Dear God, HElp me!

There are these problems, i dont know if i should call them problems, but these very worries that are keeping my soul so restless, God please give my soul a peace. Im scared of the day that is to start,of the week that has just begun, i need you God, i really need you. I can't sleep, these many thoughts wont leave me and i know nothing else but that only you can help me. Please give me the courage and the power of wisdom to sort things out. Please Lord, please.
I love you with all my heart,
your child forever,
me- in need of you.

Hurtings!

This feeling, this funny feeling, no you dont want to feel this feeling,
makes you want to cry, makes you want to blame your own foolish heart.
Everything you think you did seems to be coming undone,
and it breaks you heart, gets you so down that you cant find your escape.
Your moment suddenly seems so far, but you're too in love to let it go,
you knew these days would happen.
This hurt, this hurt, this little heart of mine hurts,
im trying to find myself with something that would make it feel better,
oh you should have never have been so naive.
Just like everyone else you've hit me, are you happy now?
i dont know where im suppose to go, feels like you and i never happened!

walled

Dear God,
i miss you! =(
They dont understand me,they dont wanna sit and listen to my heart but instead they blame me. Is this how my life is suppose to be?? Can't i too have a little love and encouragement?? am i that bad that i dont deserve any??
im blamed for the things i dont understand the reason myself,im made the blacksheep of the family, im made to walk all alone in this big world I feel alone Lord. Sometimes i wish it was me and not my brother you should have chosen=(!!!
broken and lonely,
me!

April 2, 2000

Dear God,

Its been ten years 10 years today since you took away my brother, away from me and my family. I know he’s very happy out there and im happy for him too that he’s better off leaving this insane world. But God, u know what….there are sometimes when i miss him so much, like these very days and i wish you wouldnt have taken him away so soon. He was just sixteen Lord, just sixteen!

You knew he was the closest i had, we were growing up together, dreaming of the big small world to see, but you snatched him away from me…too soon Lord :(!

There are days when i wish i had someone i could run to, someone who would understand me, to open my hurting heart but i realize i got no one. He was all i had. Everyone is so cruel here, all they want is their bits but no one wants to sit and listen to me. My brother would have! My brother would have hugged me,my brother would have believed in me, my brother would have sat with me and not laugh when i cry, my brother would have known the reason when i get sad, my brother would have known my heart behind these smiles. My brother would, he would have known only if he was still here with me today.

Oh Lord, im not blaming you for stealing him away, i just wish you had given me some more years. There’s not a day i pass without remembering him, everyday i miss him. In all the things i do, i wish i could tell it to him, i knew i would have got that same expression that he used to make at me or would it be different today?

Aw God, sometimes i really get jealous when my friends talk about their brothers and their relationship with them. Ive got two lovely brothers u have blessed me with now, i do love them with all my heart but Lord things arent the same:(. Were you jealous of me that i was having the best??:(

It was so sudden the way you took him away. You didnt even give me the chance to say goodbye,why God? were you afraid that i wouldnt have let him go? that wasnt fair! Because not being able to say goodbye is making it more harder for me everyday, the regret and “i wish” never ends!

Can you tell him that i miss him today like i miss him everyday? He was the BEST,Lord.You like having the Best, now you have my best there with you and i got none. Im jealous of you today because you give and u can take.

Take good care of him Lord, keep him safe untill i get there. Im eagerly waiting for the day when ill get him back….i dont care even if you dont give him back to me….im going to stay back with him and you can keep me too:)

Missing my Brother to bits:(!

me

water in the bottle :D

Dear God,
Happy easter week:)!
last week had been really good to me. i had a wonderful trip, u kept me in safe hands and well in between something little went wrong, some hours of heartbrokeness but you solved it all so THANK YOU:D!!!
I want to say thank u today for all de blessings in my life. My family and relatives, my grandma , my friends, my life and Daryl! Thank you Jesus, ure de awesomest of all!
i miss home at the moment i wish i could spend this holy week with my family, but anyways yeah, keep them in safe hands:)!
I love Jesus evry single day.....i love you so much! Im so proud to be your child
and i will always lift your name on high!
You rock!
I love you,
me :)

When all is said and done - ABBA

Heres to us one more toast and then well pay the bill
Deep inside both of us can feel the autumn chill
Birds of passage, you and me
We fly instinctively
When the summers over and the dark clouds hide the sun
Neither you nor Im to blame when all is said and done

In our lives we have walked some strange and lonely treks
Slightly worn but dignified and not too old for sex
Were still striving for the sky
No taste for humble pie
Thanks for all your generous love and thanks for all the fun
Neither you nor Im to blame when all is said and done

Its so strange when you're down and lying on the floor
How you rise, shake your head, get up and ask for more
Clear-headed and open-eyed
With nothing left untried
Standing calmly at the crossroads,no desire to run
There's no hurry any more when all is said and done

Standing calmly at the crossroads,no desire to run
There's no hurry any more when all is said and done

Random 1

Spring exams are over.....and tomorrow we're all leaving for our spring internship for two weeks to Gujurat and the other parts of India! Looking forward but half of me aint much excited anymore like i was the last few weeks. Something's totally wrong with me for the last two weeks ive been feeling pretty unusually low and its such a bad feeling.
Everything's going very normal,im doing alright but my heart just dont feel alright. I got many people around me...people who love me, but deep inside i still feel alone. I can't open up myself to anyone, i try but i just cant seem to... my words get choked inside. Ive been let down by people i never thought would do that, been compared to others whom i cant be, never been appreciated of what i have or what i can do. And still being a girl growing up and trying to live in this world, its hard for me to get ahead when all these thoughts keep knocking on me!! Sometimes i wish they would accept me for who iam, for what im doing and for what im going to be!
All i need is for someone to sit with me and tell me they're here to listen to me, to encourage me atleast for once in my life! I need someone!! its always the same...everynight its just me talkin to God. i wish i had someone here literally to listen to me and not walk away! Everybody wants something out of me....but nobody seems to be there when i need somebody. I have to fake my laughter and my smiles... pretend evrything is super Fine even though nothings really super fine. i hate pretence. They lie to me, they think ill never know but im not a fool...its just not easy when people we love lie and hid the truth from us. That is what i get!
Maybe ill never be good enough for anyone, maybe im just the wrong kind of person for them, maybe ill just be like this forever....Lord will i really olways be like this...lonely???
how i really wish i had someone!God Knows how much i wish i had someone! jesus i need help:(
:(
:(

Out of the Rolling ocean, the crowd - Walt Whitman

Out of the rolling ocean, the crowd, came a drop gently to me,
Whispering, I love you, before long I die,
I have travel’d a long way, merely to look on you, to touch you,
For I could not die till I once look’d on you,
For I fear’d I might afterward lose you.

Now we have met, we have look’d, we are safe;
Return in peace to the ocean, my love;
I too am part of that ocean, my love—we are not so much separated;
Behold the great rondure—the cohesion of all, how perfect!
But as for me, for you, the irresistible sea is to separate us,
As for an hour, carrying us diverse—yet cannot carry us diverse for ever;
Be not impatient—a little space—Know you, I salute the air, the ocean and the
land,
Every day, at sundown, for your dear sake, my love.


Until I see your face, I will miss you.

Dear God,

How are you today?
im doing pretty ok but not very good, and i know you already know why. Lately the days have been quite tough for me, and i really need you to stay close with me, more than you have,all the other days.
There are these moments when loneliness creeps in me, like the way i feel now, my heart touches the bottom and i feel more than hopeless. Everybody expects from me more than what i can give, how can i Lord??. And that's where i let them down and im blamed for all the things i never did.
There are times when i thought i have someone i could lean on,but its when i realize they're never there and im left all alone to ponder on my fractures. That's when 'Trust' seems to me to be a very far cry word!
Everyone thinks i have it all because,i smile and laugh even at my hardest point, but they dont know that im just trying to make myself feel better, bottle up inside is my saddest heart,but how long,it gets so hard! Im afraid to let someone see my saddest state,i have no one to talk to but only you. You know me and you knew me even before i was born,ever since i was in my mothers womb.
You brought me all along this way,and you made me see the bitter truth of life which many friends of my age havent yet stepped on it. And i thank you for it, beause today i have you as my best friend for without those days, my life today would have been so empty without you.
Lord, im sorry if i had missed out on you, maybe this is the price im paying for. But can you forgive me and stay with me,sit with me and talk to me. Because im lost Lord, and i feel like giving in, but i still hold on because of you. Because i know you still love me and you'll never forsake me, dear God.
I love you so much,all my life i owe to you,
Always and forever your child,
Hugs, me!

Nobody Knows.

Just when you start the end begins,and you pray it won't be too soon,
You say your alright,this is just a dream and you'll wake up someday,
Nobody knows how u feel,nobody knows where your secret place is?
nobody knows where you hide your saddest heart.
You write pages of words, word after every word,
that's the only way you can speak your thoughts hidden inside,
those unspoken words,rain of love,hurt and miracles all into one.
Nobody knows how you feel,nobody know where you run to?
Nobody knows where you hide your saddest heart.
One day i will wake from this grey life dreams,
i don't mind if im sounding weird,this is the only way i can be,
Noobody knows how i feel,nobody knows where my secret place is?
nobody knows where i hide my saddest heart.

Days like this

My momma always told me " There'll be days like this "

Bruises

Trust breaks

Trust Betrays

Trust Disappoints

Trust but how long can you hold on? how long do you want to get broken, you give in everything but all you get is a broken heart and lost days! One more time u said, just one more time and here you are again....back to this same old story again!!

Trust hurts!

Trust pains!

Trust Fails

Happy 26th!!!

Happy Birthday amu:).

Can't believe you've turned 26 today....you would have been a big man today - my brother who bullied me a "big man" :D!! Been so many years now since we last celebrated your birthday together. I remember the last was when you turned 16, i was more excited than you haha. Who knew that, that would be your last birthday with us. I still have the cards that our cousins gave you, you couldn't take them with you. Sixteen years you had, and i was lucky to have spent twelve years with you, how selfish God was,he didnt let me have you for more than that :(!

Your birthday reminds me of our days, our beautiful life we had in the sunshine. I miss them so much every bit of it, nobody knows how much i miss you:( ! i wonder how you would have looked today,all grown up. I know you would have been so handsome, your ever wicked smile that made all the girls go "ooh" for you back in school days, wonder how much effect that smile would have cost now haha. And i think you would have been the tallest in our family, and maybe you would be matured enough to not bully me anymore:)!

We miss you everyday!! Daddy dosen't tell but we all know how much he misses you. He always clears up your old trunk and keep your clothes folded and neat, if only you could come back. Mommy misses you soooo muchhh, you know how mommy is, you shouldn't have left so soon. She even cried today because its your birthday but you arent here with us. Only the good Lord knows this heartache. Big brother's so lonely without you,his bestfriend and his brother.

Life seems so unfair sometimes, empty spaces of you fill our hearts....where did you go? wish i could speak to you, have a talk and maybe laugh at our silly life. Our memories now locked in my heart, i open to see them to be sure that i haven't lost it, ive lost you and this is all i have of you. As i sit here on the rooftop and write to you, i know you're watching over me, but i can't see you nor can i speak to you, life's so cruel!

I guess this is all i have to write to you today, have a beautiful Birthday with everyone up there, but know that im thinking of you. I can't wait for the day when ill be there with you...i know it aint very long from now.

My regards to grandpa, uncle and my cousin brothers....tell them i miss them too always and they're always in my heart.

I miss you so much amu.....i love you.

your sister forever,

me:)

In the Morning......

In the morning, as the sun rises from somewhere between the green mountains,
she watches father sitting alone out in the stairs,lost in thoughts,
far away from today,silently she sits beside him and takes his hand,
in silence they share the moment,Tears behind his eyes,holding her hands in his,
he smiled n said,"Baby you see the sun, promise that you will shine for me like that someday?"
In the morning, as the cold wind blows and the fog clears for the day,
she sees mother sitting by the window,bible in her hands,she out,
dreaming about the hands of destiny,silently she sits by her side,
In silence they can both feel the pain, with tears in her eyes she said,
"Baby don't ever let the world get in your way!"
In the morning, father i will be your sun always shining for you,
When the night falls and the stars light up the night, we will say that prayer again,for life to be kind.
Even through the cold winter we will never give up,we will preay for spring that will never leave.
Ill stay by your side,ill always be your little girl,she promised,
you'l never have to come searching for me, because ill be there in the morning!

Wishing fLOWER!

I MISS YOU..... dats all =)